Her Name is Ambivalence

She has been prominent in my life for as long as I can remember.  Nearly every memory includes some part of her.  Her presence is always near and she influences my emotions, thoughts and actions.  She has more power than I’d like.

Her appearance is complex and chameleon like.  Sometimes she is unkempt and messy as she rushes me from one thing to the next. When she enters a room, her presence is noisy and overwhelming -- demanding to be noticed.  When she is like this I am left feeling chaotic and confused.

Other times, she is tidy and buttoned up -- feigning the appearance that she has it all together.  She moves with apprehension and fear as she quietly waits to be noticed by those around her.  Her interactions leave me feeling constrained and uneasy with myself and with others. 

Her name is Ambivalence. 

I remember her in my childhood home whose family rules were to be independent and to have fun.  And while I easily adapted to those rules, I was also the one with feelings that ran deep and wide.  Sensitivity was a handicap in a family that encouraged independence and merriment.  Ambivalence was born from that constant tug back and forth within my soul.

Ambivalence was present in my teen years as I dated boys.  Being noticed and wanted gave me a thrill and enjoyment that unleashed the messy and noisy me that loved the chaos.  It felt life giving, empowering and fun to my young soul.  But soon, the buttoned-up me would show up, speak through the chaos, and fill me with shame and remorse for being so sexually charged.

As a wife, Ambivalence would make herself known during every conflict. The neat and tidy persona told me time after time not to rock the boat.  Be happy with what you have and certainly don’t ask for too much.  Then resentment would kick the messy and demanding persona into action where her anger was loud and violent.  Back and forth, back and forth, and back and forth again.

As I’ve grown older, I am kinder to myself when Ambivalence shows ups.  I take the time to explore the conflict within my soul which unleashes her more desirable side -- I like her best when she is like this.  In this casual persona, her hair is loose, her smile is genuine and her eyes are filled with kindness.  When she enters a room her movements are fluid and steadfast and she speaks with self-assurance.  When Ambivalence comes to me like this, she invites me into confident ease.

Yes, I still wish Ambivalence had less power in my life.  But when I took the time to know her, I understood and appreciated her much better.  She was born out of genuine emotion and conflict within my soul that I want to honor.  So I invite her to stay and to continue to encourage me to explore my longings and struggles with depth and meaning.  May she free me to embrace the the steadfast me with the confident ease and a genuine smile.