A battle of wills -- it is constant within my soul. There is a longing to be at home and to sit in God's presence and trust Him in the midst of the chaos that is my life. Yet I'm struggling to gain control -- to handle this myself -- to get myself out of the pain. The battle is real. I wish I could say that my longing to sit with God was winning. It is not.
The battle makes writing this reflection a struggle. Daring to be with people is a risk. Allowing myself to nurture my soul feels like a luxury that I can't afford. Focusing on God for more than fleeting moments seems impossible. I'm in survival mode and I desperately want to find my way out -- to find my way home.
So I must ask myself, what would it mean to trust rather than to survive? I know that if God wanted the pain and chaos to end, He would do it. And since He has not, will I trust that He is still with me in this? Will I trust that He is present in the pain? Will I desire Him more than I desire the pain to end? Will I make my home in Him?
I want to, I really do. Staying in the battle in an act of faith that takes more energy than I want it to. My body, mind and soul long for the rest that comes with trust. And I know that when I am able to have deep spiritual connections with Him and others, I rest in that trust. My heart rate slows, my mind stops racing, and my soul exhales. I feel like the me that God designed me to be.
Today, I read this quote from Henri Nouwen "...come home and trust that God will bring you what you need.......when you come home and stay home, you will find the love that will bring rest to your heart."
I've allowed fear and chaos to keep me from being at home with God and who He created me to be. Spiritual disciplines have been ignored and rejected. So now I'm committing to return home. Each day, I will spend time with God through meditating on His word and listening for His voice. I will engage in physical activity to help release the unhealthy energy being held in my body. And I will also be purposeful in pursuing spiritual conversations with others as a return to who God designed me to be.
I long to release the battle and allow myself to be at home with God. Spirit, intercede for me that when I wonder from home, that I will quickly find my way back.
